The Carpenter's Apprentice Archives

Volume 2, Number 5                                                                                                                     May 2001

It Takes A Family

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you." (Genesis 20:12)

Hillary Clinton not withstanding, raising children doesn’t take a village, it takes a family! Anyone who has read the scripture should well understand that God does not take family relationships lightly. The home is His creation and His instruction for it demands our attention.

Prior to the Mosaic covenant, the very nature of the relationship between parents and children was well established. Mankind didn’t need a written code to understand that parents were the authority in the home.

It takes an "enlightened" time such as our own to produce minds that think it is wise to allow children to govern their own affairs, as well as those of their parents. Part of the judgment of Israel was that children would rule over them (Isaiah 3:4).

God’s design is different. Children are to honor their parents. The Hebrew word has many shades of meaning. We will look at Paul’s comments on this topic below, but for now let’s note that the Greek word he uses in reference to this commandment means to value them.

Children should recognize the value that accrues to them in the loving relationships they share with their parents. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to see that value and, sadly, some children never even glimpse it. The earlier in life we get in tune with God’s plan, the more we enjoy the blessing He has given us in family.

To be sure, there are parents who are not worthy of respect, but with Mother’s Day and Father’s day approaching, let’s focus on the beauty of the design, not the failures of parents. Even in the most abusive of relationships, children long to be loved by their parents.

We can only begin to speculate about all that God intended to accomplish by the institution of the family. Nevertheless, it is clear that one aspect involves educating us about our relationship with Him. Jesus reminded His hearers that if they knew how to give good gifts to their children, God would be far more gracious than they.

We live in a time when more and more people are choosing not to have children. The decision robs them of the opportunity to learn many of life’s important lessons and they miss a way to understand their Heavenly Father better.

I was recently visiting with a young man who doesn’t want children. He’s happy with his fishing and children would be an interruption to his diversion. With that attitude, he is certainly better off without children, but he is giving up a great deal for what little he is getting in the exchange.

One of the first things lost is the love and respect of one who, at least in the beginning, is totally dependent upon you. That realization is one of the first to dawn on new parents and

it is a daunting one to be sure. At the same time, one becomes aware of how much their own parents have given to their care and keeping. Even more significant, one begins to understand what it means to be a child of God: to be totally dependent upon Him.

As we deal with our children, we start to understand His frustration and His grief for us as we willfully choose to follow our own desires instead of His purposes.

If we expect our children to honor us, we in turn must honor our own parents. And if we are to honor our parents, how much more then should we honor God?

Honoring parents is no small matter. God connects longevity with obedience to this command. Paul reiterates the teaching in Ephesians 6. There really isn’t much room for interpretation here!

God holds parents accountable for the training of their children. Consequently, He requires that children show proper respect for their parents.

When we are younger, we hardly have a clue as to what that means, except to do as we are told. We come to rebel against that in the process of growing up and making our own way in life.

That rebellion can take many forms, from open hostility to subtle opposition, but most all of us go through it in one way or another.

Notice that the scripture doesn’t put an age limit on this instruction to honor parents! The real test of honoring them comes, I believe, as adults. Does the life that we live honor the heritage we have received from them? Is the life that we live one in which they can take satisfaction in the Lord or is it one they would rather others not know about?

It is a sad commentary on our time that many parents put more emphasis on temporal things than the eternal. Reflect on you own experience for a moment.

When was the last time you had a parent tell you how proud they were that their child was a person of honesty and integrity, or a diligent student of God’s word, or a faithful spouse, or any of a number of similar things we might list?

Most of the time, we hear about their promotion, their latest academic accomplishments and so on. Is it any wonder that children pursue these things first?

As Mother’s Day and Father’s Day approach, most of us find ourselves as both children and parents. As children, let us be sure that our parents have no doubt about our appreciation for their efforts to rear us in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. As parents, let us never fail to express our delight to see our children walking after the truth (see 3 John 1:4).

Let us remember to honor our parents, and let us be quick to acknowledge those characteristics in our children which we want to see flourish in them and in society at large. What we water with our praise will likely grow in their lives. ‹

"And He answered and said to them, "And why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? "For God said, 'HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER,' and, 'HE WHO SPEAKS EVIL OF FATHER OR MOTHER, LET HIM BE PUT TO DEATH.' "But you say, 'Whoever shall say to his father or mother, "Anything of mine you might have been helped by has been given to God," he is not to honor his father or his mother.' And thus you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition." (Matthew 15:3-6)

To say that the Jewish leaders suffered from hypocrisy would be an understatement of immeasurable proportion. At every turn, they had perverted the law of God in ways that allowed them to have the appearance of being pious while enjoying the fruits of disobedience.

In this instance, they had a practice of declaring a portion of their resources as "corban" (set aside for God) and were neglecting to care for their parents by claiming that the resources were already committed to the Lord. Of course, that didn’t stop them from making loopholes which would allow them to use those dedicated funds for other purposes which might be of benefit to them. The real issue was they did not honor their parents and thereby violated God’s word.

It’s easy to point our fingers at them and say, "How could you?!" But, if we are not careful, we are prone to do similar things.

One of the things that many of us wrestle with is just how available we are for our parents. We live in a time and culture which is characterized by a great deal of family mobility.

In earlier times, it was common to find three or four generations of a family living together on the family homestead, working together and caring for one another. Now families are scattered to the winds. We find ourselves sacrificing relationship and mutual responsibility for reasons that, though perhaps significant, are less important than family ties.

Those ties represent a heritage that should not be taken lightly. Sometimes, it is not a matter of distance that makes the difference. Families that are geographically close can still be far apart in terms of their involvement in one another’s lives.

The heart of what Jesus is teaching in this passage is to remember that using our resources to help family members, parents in particular, is to be obedient to the word of God.

Making excuses for ignoring those relationships won’t hold water. We are all pretty much in control of our time and resources. We generally make the time to do what we really want to do, find the money to buy what we really want to buy, etc.

If we really want to share the lives of our family members, we can usually find a way to do that. The information age has made it easier than ever to keep in touch, yet it seems that often people are farther apart than ever before.

Reflecting upon how we may be repeating the error of the Pharisees is a good exercise. How we approach the problem in our lives is an individual matter, but I think it is worthy of careful consideration. We live in a culture that is increasingly hostile to traditional families. Wisdom dictates that we begin to take steps to correct our course and recover the blessing of vital relationships with our extended family.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH." (Ephesians 6:1-3)

"Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." (Col. 3:20-21)

Obedience to parents is a critical issue that needs to be given some serious consideration in our culture. My dear mother will tell you I wasn’t always obedient and even when I did what she said, it was frequently with the wrong attitude for the wrong reasons.

God wants children to be obedient and for the right reasons! In our time, many parents are more interested in being their child’s best friend than they are their parent. That can ultimately cost them both roles.

My own experience leads me to believe that being as diligent a parent as you can be, by God’s grace, opens the door to being a friend of your children for life. On the other hand, seeking to be their friend, it is easy for them to get the wrong idea about life and make mistakes which they blame you for, at least in part. This limits the hope of genuine friendship later in life.

It seems clear that, by his admonition, Paul wants things to "be well with [us]". Showing proper respect to our parents is important because it recognizes God’s order and authority.

Both my mother and my daughter receive this newsletter so hopefully that brings some balance to my observations. What I understand scripture to teach my daughter about her attitude toward her parents of necessity becomes what it teaches me in regard to my attitude toward my mother.

Our tendency is to want to set up different standards and expect more of our children than we expect of ourselves and I try diligently to avoid that.

Almost daily we hear of the tragic deaths of young people and frequently they are the result of undisciplined behavior. I think of the story of two young girls brutally raped and murdered in the Houston area a few years ago. It was a horrible crime and my heart goes out to the families.

Nevertheless, I am at a loss to understand how the parents allowed these young children to be in a dangerous area of town at three o’clock in the morning (and they had school the next day). Their days on the earth were cut short by their lack of discipline and it is almost certain their parents live with their guilt to this day.

How have we come to such a condition? Even in Christian homes, young people are allowed freedoms that are well above their capability to handle. It seems many parents are in a rush to believe that their children are more mature and more capable of handling situations than the rest of their peers.

When we put ourselves in situations where we do not belong, sooner or later we hurt ourselves and those we love, and we grieve the God who loves us so. My life is a testimony to that fact; yours may be too.

Seeing that we have such a need to guard our path, how much more we need to direct the paths of our children. As children, most of us embarked upon treacherous paths that would have been better left unexplored. Sometimes as adults, we do the same thing.

Praise God for His keeping power that delivers us from our own folly and helps us to recover a right path. Parents are the primary instrument for their children’s correction and encouragement. We all do well to heed their counsel.

"Then the mother of the sons of Zebedee came to Him with her sons, bowing down, and making a request of Him. And He said to her, "What do you wish?" She said to Him, "Command that in Your kingdom these two sons of mine may sit, one on Your right and one on Your left." (Matthew 20:20)

Isn’t that just like a mother? She wants what she perceives to be the most desirable for her children and often she isn’t shy about it in the least!

Mothers are not perfect but even in their imperfections we have to love them for their intentions. Notice that this dear mother came respectfully "bowing down." She didn’t come demanding but she came with confidence.

She understood the significance of the kingdom to come and she came asking, not for herself, but for her sons. What mother can’t identify with such noble motives?

At the same time, Jesus makes it clear that she doesn’t understand what she is asking. Although this story is in 20:20, she doesn’t have 20:20 vision in regard to the kingdom.

However, well-intentioned she may be, she isn’t aware of the bigger picture. She just wants her boys to figure into the kingdom in a major way. We don’t have to wonder why the disciples are later arguing about who is going to be the greatest (Luke 9:46)!

This event is hard to imagine as a spontaneous one. She most certainly had given it some thought and perhaps prayerful consideration. Though it may come across to us as self-serving, I don’t think that was her intention at all.

The story allows us to see the humanity of those simple people who struggled, as we all do, to understand the kingdom of God and our part in it. Stories like this should vaporize any fantasy we have that we would be any different if the Lord walked in the flesh with us today.

These things are written for our instruction and we should not miss their importance. We suffer from the same limitations and frailties and we can learn much if we give the Holy Spirit the opportunity to be our Teacher.

The principle we can draw here is that this mother was not afraid to petition Jesus on behalf of her children. Godly mothers (and fathers) always do that. I hope you have memories of your mother reading her Bible and praying.

Maybe you’ve taken it for granted for years. Perhaps you never really gave those examples serious thought. Maybe you walked into the room to find her sitting in a chair with her open Bible in her lap and her eyes closed in prayer. Did it ever occur to you that she was praying for you?

She didn’t always get it right, but her motives were pure; she wanted the very best for you and she was not afraid to ask God for it.

Thanks Mom! Your prayers were heard and answered in ways you never dreamed. Your example has blessed your children more than you know or they imagine. ‹

Once again, I am later getting this out than I intended to be. My timing isn’t impeccable but God’s is. Had my schedule been met I wouldn’t be able to share the story that follows.

We live in a wooded, urban neighborhood and birds are plentiful. However, some varieties are seldom seen since they generally prefer more remote areas with less human activity.

Although pileated woodpeckers occasionally forage through the area, I was surprised last week to discover that these beautiful birds had nested in the top of a dead pine snag on the vacant lot across the street from us.

I discovered them early one morning as the little ones were being fed and raising a ruckus. They appeared almost ready to fly and it is hard to believe I hadn’t noticed them sooner.

For the next two days, I checked up on them every time I went outside to drain our Yorkie (Maggie). What a pleasure it was lift the binoculars and watch them up close and personal. Mother woodpecker (I don’t know their habits but I presume it was mother and it fits the theme) stayed busy bringing food to the nest.

It seemed to me that she was always feeding the one who was the largest and ignoring the smaller two but I guess she knows best.

Late in the afternoon on the second day Maggie came begging to go outside. I never know if it’s the real thing or if she just wants to chase the squirrels that antagonize her from the safety of the other side of the window, but out we went.

Almost habitually, I looked at the nest in the top of the old pine snag and noticed that mother seemed unusually exercised about something. The broken off top of the tree looked different and I rushed back in to get the binoculars.

It only took a moment to realize the cause for mother’s alarm. A snake had made its way up the exposed trunk of the decaying tree and was sitting about two feet above the nest. It’s intentions were clear to me and to her.

Rushing back inside a second time I grabbed a video camera and a tripod and began to record the action. The snake was not poisonous, but it was about five feet long and well capable of killing her if it ever managed to grab her.

Her caution at approaching the adversary made it obvious she was instinctively aware of the danger she faced. Nevertheless, she was relentless in harassment of the intruder.

She would cling to the side of the tree below the top and hop up to look over at her opponent. Then she would drop down and circle around to the side of the tree opposite his head and hop up there in an attempt to drive her hardened beak into his thick body.

Each time she succeeded he became more agitated and vicious in his striking at her. The heavy battle continued about five minutes but after she got in several good shots, he decided it wasn’t worth the trouble and slowly made his way thirty feet down the tree to the ground.

Throughout the entire battle the children, oblivious to the danger, had been screaming for attention and food. From their limited perspective inside the tree, they couldn’t see the danger but they could feel their hunger.

God has given animals instincts that we as humans sometimes ignore because we allow our emotions to get in the way. I couldn’t help but think how foolish that mother would have been if she went about the business of feeding her young and ignored the danger just above their heads. It certainly would not have taken long for the snake to have robbed the nest while she was out foraging the next morsel for them.

Instinct forced her to ignore their demands for the satisfaction of lesser needs and attend to the need of the moment. How very much parents can learn from watching God’s creation!

In many homes today, it is more common to see parents attending to the whining of their children while neglecting the more urgent matters at hand. Some manage to escape, but few escape without scars.

If you are numbered among those who were blessed to have a Godly mother, take the time to thank her, and praise God for the provision He made for you. Commit yourself to be an even better parent by His grace.

Let us consider how our Heavenly Father has demonstrated His great love for us and strive to be channels of that love for others, especially with our children.

Let us not be afraid to stand against the tide of the popular culture but let us truly raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Our culture offers many diversions and some of them are even helpful.  At the same time, we need to be certain that our children receive a healthy exposure to the things of God. Most of all, they need to see it through our lives.

What we live before them needs to be consistent with what we profess with our lips. We can all grow in this area. Godly mothers show us how.

For some of you, Mother’s Day will bring mixed emotions. A recent death may make this day particularly difficult this year, yet you can rejoice in the good things your mother has left as your heritage.

Still others have mothers they love dearly, but are torn by bitter memories and deep hurts that have not been allowed to heal. I pray that you will allow God to restore what life has damaged.

Mother’s Day is just one day but it’s sentiments should be exhibited regularly in our relationships so that healing can come and we can enjoy the beauty of family as God ordained.